we're a team.

i have been thinking about this entry for some time now. still, my thoughts feel incomplete & the words are hard to make. for now, we will start off slowly...

as you all probably already know, luke & i are finishing our undergraduate degrees in may.

during our four years here, we have met & fallen in love, built community with our church family & dear friends, found our passion for cultivating the earth, & learned to live simply in our home. along with many other simple moments, these are the events that have led up to who we are now.

but of course, we have always known that these roots were temporary. at some point, we knew we must uproot & move to a new place, a new city, a new people, a new home.
for me, that reality is both equally exciting & really, really hard.

i imagined our new home in the northern states, close to many sustainable agricultural opportunities in a budding city with culture & good food & progressive people. i naively imagined our lives would perfectly line up exactly where i wanted our lives to line up. i was craving both adventure & comfort.

as it most often goes, that isn't exactly how it is all turning out to be.

luke recently received an email from an advisor urging him to apply to a position in oklahoma. this position is amazing! salary, full benefits, & he would learn so much. his job would bring purpose & would work toward research in community agriculture & sustainable production of poultry.
of course, the position is in oklahoma. in the middle of nowhere oklahoma.
once he emailed his resume, he received a call a few days later for an interview.
this is when it began to hit me.

i've cried. i've stressed myself out. i've grown exhausted from all of the worry & doubts & fears. the thought of uprooting our family to a place with little to offer other than a great career opportunity really scares me.

this decision has been the most difficult decision we have had to work through in our marriage.

i want to put up my wall & simply pretend like it isn't happening. we will find something better. this isn't the place for us.

luke continually challenges me to live outside of my comfort. reminds me that i can make a home almost anywhere as long as there is a thrift store.

although he is undoubtedly right, i have grown angrier & more frustrated by the day. moving in less than two months with little to no idea where leaves me scattered, uneasy & anxious. i've never felt so unsure of my surroundings & the possibilities ahead.

in trying to calm the uneasiness inside, luke & i are traveling to oklahoma next week for a visit & his interview. i know hard conversations will be had & big decisions will need to be made. as we prepare for this time, i am choosing to remind myself that we are a team. things will work out. he would never choose for me a place that would make me incredibly unhappy & of course- i would do the same for him.

as i end this, there is no big conclusion as of now. we are still left in the in between. next week might bring some clarity. if anything, it will bring luke & i closer as we work through life & all of its baggage.

friends, thanks for allowing me to share my heart with you.

love,
natalie